Весенний розыгрыш от Jane-Iredale.ru! Участвую!

08.03.2012 в 20:28
Пишет Diary best:

Jane-Iredale.ru объявляет весенний розыгрыш призов на Diary
Лучиками весеннего солнца согревают нас улыбки милых женщин, как щебет птиц звучит их нежный смех. Совсем скоро 8 марта! Подарите мамам, подругам, коллегам и себе — весеннее настроение.

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Условия участия в розыгрыше:

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С наступающим весенним праздником, милые девушки! Желаем вам еще больше красоты и чудесного весеннего настроения.

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@темы: Конкурсы, good luck!, Я победю!


Новогодний розыгрыш в Best of @Diary.ru! Участвую!

18.12.2011 в 09:47
Пишет Diary best:

Новогодний розыгрыш в Best of @Diary.ru
Новый год совсем близко, самое время для волшебного розыгрыша призов.

Условия участия в розыгрыше просты:

1. Вы должны быть постоянным читателем сообщества Best of @Diary.ru.

2. Заявкой на участие в розыгрыше является перепост этой записи в ваш дневник (спешим предупредить — эта запись должна быть открыта всем, даже незарегистрированным пользователям) с заголовком: Новогодний розыгрыш в Best of @Diary.ru! Участвую!

Ссылку на перепост в вашем дневнике просим оставлять в комментариях к этой записи.

В чудесный день Рождества — 7 января, каждому заявленному участнику будет присвоен свой номер. И каждый из семи призов будет разыгран путем выбора из волшебной шляпы счастливых номеров участников розыгрыша.

Итоги будут объявлены 8 января, в сообществе Best of @Diary.ru.

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@темы: good luck!


XWP: Episode thirteen of season three

Finally, after talking (or should I say singing?) to each other, Xena and Gabrielle acknowledge their actions and feelings, and find the way to forgive. They return to the place where all this started. And they decide to start anew - together, side by side.

This episode is full of subtext. It shows the girls' characters as much as it shows their feelings for each other.
I'll just put the most beautiful scenes.

Gabrielle: "What's my life worth then?"

Xena: "First things first."

G: "The first thing is the greater good-- you taught me that. You taught me that there are things in life worth dying for... things that hold a higher meaning than our own existence."

X: "Not your existence."

G: "Why? 'Cause I'm your friend?"

X: "Yes!"

G: "Well then, honor my memory."


G: "Xena."

X: "Yes?"

G (she's very ill and dreaming. She repeats the same words she said to Xena at the beginning, in the first episode.): "You've got to take me with you... teach me everything you know. You can't leave me here in Poteidaia. I wanna go with you. I've studied the stars... spoken with philosophers... and I have the gift of prophecy. I can be very valuable to you. Take me
with you. I want so much to be like you."

X (crying): "And I want to be like you."


Gabrielle is having a nightmare. When she wakes up, Xena is beside her. Gabrielle looks at her and strokes her hair.


G: A long time ago, I accepted the consequences of our life together... that it might one day come to this. It has. I'm not afraid."

X: "You always said that I was the brave one. Look at you now!.. If this is to be our destiny, let's see it out together. Even in death, Gabrielle... I will never leave you."


X: "Always looking out for me, huh?"

G: "Always. Xena? About China... I hope you know I never meant to hurt you. I only did what I thought was right."

X: "Gabrielle, that's all in the past. All I want is to be with you right now. You're my best friend... my family. I love you, Gabrielle."

G: "I love you, Xena."


XWP: Episode twelve of season three

I have just watched 'The Bitter Suite'. I haven't been making posts with my thoughts and impressions about the episodes for some time but I'd like to start doing them again.

In the episode prior to this one ('Maternal instincts') Xena and Gabrielle end up hurting and blaming each other for it. Gabrielle's child, Hope, turned out to be evil; she killed Solon, Xena's child, and was killed by Gabrielle when she realized how wrong she was about the child. Because of their offspring and misunderstanding between one another, Xena and Gabrielle undergo a lof of pain. I personally think that they had to start talking to each other after Hope's birth. Xena shouldn't have tried to kill the baby right away. It was better to let Gabrielle see who the child truly was. Xena, as a mother, could have understood that Gabrielle would never kill her daughter. Anyone, but Gabrielle. Anything, but killing your child.

When Gabrielle said 'I love you' and Xena didn't even look at her, I was crying as hard as they. I couldn't believe how the story could turn out the way it did. How it made the girls hurt each other, although they didn't know they were doing it at the time. I dreaded to see next episode.

Read on

Hightlight moments

Some pictures that are worth looking at

@темы: Xena&Gabrielle




October, 6

The day started pretty good.

I had porridge with nuts, raisins (изюм) and prunes (чернослив). It was unusual because I'm lazy to do it regularly.)) Also, I made several canapé consisting of bread, cornichons, stewed beet and some mayonnaise. It was unusual, as well, for we don't recieve guests very often and to do such delicious things for ourselves is nonsense. All in all, I liked my breakfast very much.

The sun was shining so bright and beautiful that I couldn't resist it. I took a quick shower and got dressed.

I decided to start at Gostiny Dvor, so I went by tube to Nevsky Prospect metro station.

Gostiny Dvor is a place with a lot of things (bijouterie, books, china, souvenirs, clothes and so on) but prices are quite high so we don't buy things there, it's a place for tourists mostly.

I saw very beautiful earings and bracelets - so colorful and interesting. Maybe one day I will take them but not now.

Then I came along Square of Arts (there is a small, quiet park) to Church of the Savior on Blood. There is a park, as well, and I went through it enjoying wonderful trees with their many-coloured leaves and the sun on my hair.



27 of September

Julya is back from her vacation.

On her departure day she sent an e-mail to all the departments informing about the dates of her vacation so that everyone knew. I got one, as well, on the operator's mail box. The date of her arrival back was 25 of September.

"You're going to be back only on twenty fifth?" I asked Julya when she was saying her good-bye.

"No! Actually, I'm coming on twenty seventh. I'm not gonna come on a weekend, am I?"

Her statement made me realize that twenty fifth of September was Saturday. Seriously, it was a smart thing to do: to say you are going to be back on twenty fifth whereas the actual date of your arrival is two days later. It made the people think as if Julya's vacation wasn't so long, after all. It was smart, but at the same time it made me sad, for when you do such things it means you don't trust your colleagues. Julya understands very good how these people she's working with, are. They will be envy just because someone goes on vacation. It doesn't matter that they themselves have vacation as well. At this very moment they have to work when someone is going to enjoy herself, and they just can't bear it.

So, I was expecting Julya to come back on Monday, twenty seventh of September.

Usually Julya makes our Front Office schedule but when she was on vacation Lena K. was responsible for it. In the middle of the month, on Friday (the day when we have a new schedule for the next two weeks) I got an e-mail on the operator's mail box. It was from LaneK who was in Moscow on business. She made a new schedule but physically wasn't able to print it out and hung on the desk. She asked to do it ourselves or wait till her arrival, so that she could do it herself. I decided to help and print the schedule. Firstly, I found out my days off and on and I was quite pleased. Secondly, I looked at the column in front of Julya's name and wasn't pleased at all. It said that she was going to come back not on Monday but on Tuesday. Well, one day is not a big deal but it was so for me, for it meant I was to wait one more day whereas it was bad enough to wait all twenty of them. Besides, I trusted Julya enough to believe her every word. It hurt that she said me the date that turned out to be false. The only soothing thing was to pretend that she changed her mind and informed just LenaK about it.

On Tuesday I was to work in the evening, so it was three-four hours to spend with Julya. I wanted Julya to feel welcomed and good and decided to cook something and take it with me to the hotel. I couldn't, of course, present it to her personally, I had to pretend that it was for all the guys who worked that day. The reason of this 'generosity' had to die with me. And when I was contemplating the exact thing I could cook for Julya, I realized that Tuesday was going to be the day of celebrating Lisa's past birthday. My cake (I had decided to bake a cake) could be mistaken as Lisa's present and I wasn't going to do such a thing. So, I had to leave all the thoughts about Julya's 'welcome back' present behind.

Today, preparing for an evening shift, I was thinking about Julya all the time. I knew she had to be in St. Petersburg already. I was imagining the things she could be doing at the moment. My imagination was as good as always, so I imagined that Julya might come to the hotel to visit us. It was such a stupid thing to think about. What kind of sane person would come to work on her last vacation day? Well, I would, but we all know I am not a sane person. :)

Coming in Back Office my eyes were riveted to the Julya's desk for here Julya was, sitting there and waving at me. Because of my bad eyes I couldn't see her exactly, but I knew it was her immediately. I came closer and closer looking at the beloved face all the time. She said to me 'Hi, Polya' several times but I couldn't speak. I was totally shocked. I wasn't even sure I could breathe.

Unfortunately, there were Natasha and Vova and Sasha from Sales department, so I couldn't even say the words I wanted to say when I felt I could speak again. I was staring at Julya, watching her over, trying to familiarize myself with her again. I honestly didn't expect her to be there. I hoped so much to see her as soon as possible, but I didn't want to have my hopes too high and then see them falling down. That's why seeing Julya a day earlier made it some sort of miracle. That's why I was behaving like a robot and everybody was staring at me when I was staring at Julya.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I was almost panting, so I turned around and went to the nearest board as if to put my purse down, although my real purpose was to calm down a little bit.

Next twenty minutes the guys were shifting each other and I just stood and sat here and there for I was a trainee once again and there was nobody for me to shift with.

Then we had a long meeting. Usually these meetings are daily and short — we discuss all the important things that happened or are going to happen any time soon. This time it was much longer because Julya was back and there were a lot of things to share with each other. Actually, when Julya was absent, we didn't have meetings at all, and I didn't think it was good. I missed them. They are my constant reminder of the things going on in the hotel. We discuss mistakes and good deals, how to deal with a difficult situation, how to calm a hysterical guest, all the things we may come across with.

When the meeting ended, the morning shift left and we began to work.

About six PM Julya came over to the first desk and approached LenaK.

"Polya and I will go to the canteen, all right?"

"I'll go with you."

Then a guest demanded LenaK's attention and Julya added that she would go and we would follow her later.

"But take her with you, okay? She won't go on her own." Julya was talking about me and I was smirking in my mind: Julya was back and I wasn't going to loose an opportunity to be with her. All the time she was gone I hadn't visited the canteen. There was no need to do it. I could have a cup of tea in BO if I wanted to. The canteen for me is to be with Julya a little longer than usually is possible, not to have tea.

There were three of us in the canteen. The girls were having some dinner but I couldn't even drink a cup of tea. I was too excited to consume anything.

I asked Julya about her vacation and she said she loved it.

"It was so good to be off. I'd love to enjoy myself a little longer than that. It's so hard to get up and go to work again. Don't want to do it at all."

I knew that Julya was in Croatia. I guess, it wasn't the only country she visited. From St. Petersburg she had flighted to Germany to meet with her friend. Then they were going to take a car and travel about Europe.

"Did you manage to visit all the places you had in mind?"

"Yeah! Well, almost. It took us longer than we thought and there were some cities we weren't able to reach. Besides, it makes you tired traveling in a car all the time."

Julya admitted that the most beautiful city was Salzburg, Austria. It was quite historical.

I didn't know what to ask next and Julya didn't look like she was willing to share the details of her trip with us. I let it be.

Later we had a conversation about how stupid men are sometimes. I didn't participate, exactly, because of my lack of experience. I was listening and asking questions when I had them.

"Polya, do you think it's wise to laundry blue jeans with a white shirt together? Everybody knows that clothes have to be of the same material and color to laundry it together in a washing machine. Otherwise you'll have a mess instead of your clothes. But he just doesn't understand it!" Julya was talking about her friend. She said the last weekend, already in St. Petersburg, they were washing their dirty clothes and it was hell. "Well, he washed his jeans and the shirt together, then looked at them and was surprised to find that the shirt was blue instead of white. 'Why is it so? How come?' he was exclaiming."

"Indeed! How could it be?" LenaK and I were laughing.

"He just doesn't understand the difference." Julya continued. "I tried to explain it to him but he wasn't listening. He washed his another pair of pants and some white T-shirt and it was the same — the clothes were stained! And he was surprised once again!"

LenaK decided to say something about her friend as well. As far as I know she's dating a German guy but they don't live together yet.

"He has a kink to go shoeless after a bath. Once in my apartment he took a shower, didn't take slippers on and had something glued to his foot. He was furious! Although I clean my apartment every day there is always a possibility to find some dust or whatever, don't you agree? Well, some time later we were in a hotel, and he took a shower and was barefoot again. I said it was too dangerous to go shoeless around a hotel room. You don't know whether it was cleaned after the last guests or not. You have no guarantees. But he was sure it was safer to be barefoot on a hotel room's floor than on my apartment's one! How stupid is that?"

I realized that LenaK wasn't upset that her friend preferred hotel's floor her apartment's. She just couldn't understand the nature of his thoughts to be sure that a hotel's room is always clean. She works in a hotel, she knows how the things are in there. That's why it was so hard for her to understand it.

"Well, men are just stupid." Julya said once again. "They don't want to understand simple things."

I sat in there listening to them. I became very amused with every minute. Though, it was confusing as well as amusing.

How can they say these things about men and continue to love them anyway? Actually, they were not even talking about men in general, they were talking about their boyfriends, the men they loved, as I assumed. And they gave an impression that they honestly couldn't understand their boyfriends' behavior, preferring to laugh at them than trying to find a solution. Although I don't have an experience about a relationship with men, I always thought that every relationship is about understanding and compassion. No matter how different you are, no matter how different your points of view. If you love each other, than there is always a possibility to find a way to fix everything. Even if you are not agree with your beloved, you try to understand his reasons as much as possible. Even if you don't understand him at all, you respect him no matter what. And it means you don't go and gossip about him in such an ungraceful way.

I didn't say a word about my thoughts but it gave me something to muse about.

That day I was looking at Julya every time she was in my eye's way. I couldn't get enough of her.

She didn't treat me any different than other girls and boys. She touched my arm just once, in the canteen, telling something. There were no special words to me.

Julys left without saying good-bye. Well, maybe we were busy with guests and she didn't want to bother us. But it hurt nevertheless.

The day of Julya's coming back went absolutely not the way I wanted it to be.

@темы: Radisson



The last day of practice at Radisson SAS, 26th of May 2010.

Yesterday was my last day of summer practice at Radisson SAS Royal Hotel in Saint-Petersburg. It was a full-time work day, I was really busy and was trying to work absolutely on my own, for there was no other switch-board in the office that day. Apparently, everybody else was busy as well, so I remembered about the documents I had to have signed when there was no time left. Well, we did manage to find some time and Julya singed the documents, but when I got home I found out that we forgot to write my testimonial. This last document is very important to my tutors. I don't think they spend a lot of time reading our practice's reports but if you have a good testimonial it means a lot. It means you were really great at what you were doing and that you were liked by your colleagues and your boss. It means you are qualified and are ready to work in the service.

Anyways, as soon as I could I called Julya and asked to come tomorrow in order to write the testimonial. I guessed she would write it at work and sign it, and I just should come and take it the next day. But Julya was busy and asked me to write it myself. And what an interesting thing to be doing it was! I felt very awkward describing myself and writing things I wasn't even sure I had in myself. Also, it was awkward and a little scary because the testimonial was supposed to be written by Julya, so I was trying to guess Julya's words about me. It was really hard and I was confused to do it.

So, today I got up more earlier than I thought I would, but I really needed this testimonial. At ten a.m. I was supposed to meet Oreshik - she had my printed report. We met at Lomonosovskya metrostation. It was a really brief meeting because she needed to go to college and I also had things to do, so we said our good byes and parted.

At about half past ten I was in the hotel. Tanya and Olya were a little surprised to see me but they managed to hide it so well I wasn't even sure they were indeed surprised. I have a feeling when you work at a hotel it becomes a habit to not show your genuine emotions. I find it rather sad and disconcerting.

I asked to call Julya and she came to me pretty soon. By that time the girls already knew about the purpose of my appearence.

I don't want to describe all the details about my testimonial. The sad part about it was that my flesh drive didn't want to be opened. We called out IT-manager to help and it worked. But he warned me to clean my flesh drive for it has a lot of viruses. I was sad because the USB isn't mine but my brother's, so I have to tell him about it and I'm not sure he will take it very smoothly.

Other things were more successful and very soon I had the testimonial on my hands.

After that Julya and I had a little chit-chat. I will try to describe it somehow.

Today it's raining non-stop and I had a very wet umbrella when I came to the hotel. When I was trying to have my documents (the report and the testimonial) in some kind of order Julya offered to hold my umbrella while I was doing it. I agreed but warned that my umbrella was real wet. It reminded Julya about the rain and she said something like:

"Damn rain. I had beautiful bangs this morning but after the trip to work it got damaged."

And she touched her bangs to sleek it.

It made me to watch her face and hair and I found them loving as usual. I said very quietly:

"You are very beautiful."

I'm not sure but she paused somehow and I found a little strange expression on her face. I think she was a bit shocked and wasn't sure weather she imagined my words or not. I said it real soft and I knew my eyes were facing the floor, so she could be mistaken but I think she heard the words nevertheless.

After that she tried to joke and I really don't remember what was happening next because I was shocked, too. I didn't plan to say those words. I've never imagined myself saying them. Not in the situation we were in, at least. I just wanted to accent her beauty and it seemed as a good opportunity to do it. So I just did it and that's all.

There was a moment when Julya complimented my clothes but I don't remember the exact time it happened - before or after I told her she was beautiful. But it doesn't matter. So, she said that I was quite impressive in my pants-suit, and she guessed that I was going to go to college after that. I admitted that I was indeed going to visit college later but I didn't say that my choice of clothes had nothing to do with what I was going to go to next. I had a pants-suit with cotton blouse on, and there were earings on, matching the blouse. I had my hair loose, just the way I like them. I knew I was good in those things and I wanted to look good. Actually, there are two reasons for that. First, the guys I was working with are used to see me in the uniform and with my make-up on. All in all this appearence is quite nice. So, I didn't want to fall in their eyes (or do English know this phrase?). And second, I always want to look good when I'm near Julya. She is beautiful and stylish all the time. I want to be like her and I want her to like me. At least, I want her to look at me with pleasure, even if it's more about make-up or good clothes than about myself.

So, I was pleased when Julya complimented me. She said she liked the colour of my blouse - as blue as the sky is. Someone told me one day that blue is a good colour for me. Julya's words proved it and I'm glad.

Then tell about the presentation and pics and Julya's willingness to help me.


Does it matter that you are beautiful, healthy and rich if you are not happy?

Does it matter that you are ugly, sick and poor if you are happy?

@темы: Who am I?


Practice at Radisson SAS Royal Hotel.

That's right, I've started to practise at the same hotel I was at last time. The guys I was working with do remember me and I must say it makes me very happy. It's quite difficult to start all over again, to get used to new people and a place. So, I'm really glad I didn't have to do it. Besides, I am very happy to work with the same persons considering how much I like them.

The work is the same. The good news about it is I like it, so almost always I go home much later than I should. Sometimes the gilrs have to say to me several times to go home before I finally make it. What can I do? I like the job.

There are some changes at the hotel. Recently there was an opening of the new hotel of our hotel network. Some guys decided to apply and they got lucky. There are two girls that are missing in the Front Office. The first one (Natasha with fairy curly hair) had to be moving to Moscow and I knew about it, so I wasn't really surprised. (Actually, I didn't like her anyway.) And the second one (Nadya) was very nice to me and I have very good memories about her, so I was quite sad that she's not working with us anymore. She was said to be studying in Germany which is her dream, so I should be happy for her and I am. Also, there is a new girl, name's Natasha, who has been working not very long. She's quite friendly. Can't say more about her yet.

I started practising on Friday, 7th of May. The schedule I'm working to is very uncertain because I asked to work the way everybody else works which is not considering usual weekends and holidays. I have to be busy on weekends so parents wouldn't be able to take me to the country.

Today was very interesting, busy and even scaring day. As usual, time was running away from me and I was late. To be late is not usual for me; to miss time is. I should have been late for fifteen minutes or so, but the unexpected happened, and I was late for half an hour. The thing is my uniform didn't come to the hotel. Our uniforms and guests' clothes have dry-cleaned at the outside dry-cleaner's, so you have to be careful with timing. I took my uniform to the housekeeping on Tuesday, then I was off on Wednesday, and when I came on Thursday they said that my uniform didn't come back yet. I made a mistake with my calculations, but, truth be told, I have no idea where the mistake is. Anyways, considering that I have only one set of uniform, the woman from housekeeping and I had to go and choose another set for me. Actually, a FO specialist has to have two sets of uniform but being a trainee I was given the only one.

All's well that end's well. The set we found was even better than the one I had; the pants suits me much more than another one did. And nobody has noticed my being late. I mean, yes, it was noticed, but I wasn't yelled or something like that. I wasn't even said to not do it again. But I promised myself to be on time from now on.

There are some other things I want to tell but I have to go to bed because I have to get up early. So, I'll tell about them later. About the job and about the naked girl in the locker room. ;-)

@темы: Radisson


Coming out - 2

I had another nightmare about coming out to my family. As you can guess, it went not so good.

This time, it was a little better because I had a girlfriend by my side. Actually, in my first dream there was a girl, too, but it seemed to me that out relationship wasn't very serious. But in this dream, my second, the girl meant a lot to me. We knew each other for a long time but started a relationship just before my coming out. I don't remember all the details of the nightmare and it's a pity. I'd like to be prepared to what I might expect from my parents. Well, I have to tell all the details I do remember.

The said girlfriend was my brother's friend and she used to come to our place and have dinner with us. My mother kind of liked her. Every time I saw them talking it was quite nicely.

One night, the girl came in in my room, took off her pants and went to the kitchen. My mother was in my room, either, so she saw the girl's pants and suggested me to buy something like that for she liked it. I said 'Okay, I like them as well. I'll go to a shop with ...(the name of the girl).' My mother agreed.

Next scene took place in my room, again. I guess, I had already bought the pants, because the girl and I had alike pants on. My mother was with us and we were talking. Mother asked the girl if she wanted to be married. 'Well. Not to a man,' replied the girl. My mother was surprised but it was a good surprise, I could tell. 'Wow!' mother said. 'Is it legal in our country to married a woman?' 'Yes, there are ways,' the girl replied. I was very intrigued because I've never heard about a legal way gays could be married in our country. I guess, I asked the girl a question about that and mother didn't like it.

I really don't remember what happened next. I just realized that my mother knows that I am gay. Maybe I came to the girl and made a gesture or something like that. Maybe I even kissed her because the reaction of my mother was very strong and heated. She started to scream and yell at me. Yes, only at me. It was okay with the girl to be a gay but it wasn't okay with me to be the same. Mother said a lot of insulting and cruel things and then she went to work.

I don't remember what the girl and I were doing but suddenly it was an evening. My parents came in in my room and it started again: insulting words, shouts... The good thing about this was that the girl was supporting me. We sat together in the armchair. Actually, the girl transformed to a cat but I knew it was her. I held her in my arms and tried to keep her calm because she was a little scared of screams and my parents.

I don't think it's necessary to repeat all the things parents said to me. It was all the same. They didn't understand me and how I could be like that. They said I was going to marry a man anyway. The main thing is they didn't hear me at all. They listened to me but they didn't hear me.

At last, I took the cat and went to another room for I could stand it no longer. A little later my parents came in in that room and said that I have to get out. They don't want me in their house. They don't consider me as their daughter.

My brother (I guess, it was Anton) tried to stand up for me but it didn't work. They said to him to get out as well.

Well, we were given our coats and then we left. I held the cat in my arms all the way, I didn't leave her, don't worry.

I wasn't very scared of this nightmare because this time there were people who stood up for me and were willing to sacrifice their goods for me. I don't know who that girl was but she was my girlfriend in the dream.

The thing that really scares me is the repeat of the dream. I think it's a warning. Again. And that is what scares me the most.

@темы: Домашние, Сны


Episode 21, "The greater of good"

I'm not sure if my finding can be interesting or not, and I don't know if it was already noticed by others watchers, I just want to mention it in my diary.

It that episode, Gabrielle has to pretend she is Xena for the warrior princess is sick and can't fight yet. Gabrielle has to make sure the warlords won't know that Xena is sick. So, she dresses in Xena's war clothes, gets her weapons and rides Argo. Her war cry is almost as scaring as Xena's, but her riding Argo skills are not so good. Gabrielle is being thrown from Argo's back and to a big wooden trough full of water.

Some time later, when Gabrielle has managed to free herself and the other events have taken place, we are watching the beautiful scene of returning of Xena to life. She is fighting all the warlords. And the very same man who trown Gabrielle to the trough is finding himself exactly there (with a little help of Xena, that's certain).

Now, Xena couldn't have known what have happened to Gabrielle, because when Gabrielle returned to the villige after her own capture and rescue, Xena was already not breathing. But somehow, I think, these double scene is meaningful.

It was all the same in the trilogy by Susanne Beck. Ice killed the man who threatened Angel the same way he was threatening: she pulled a bullet through his temple. I think, it's about saying: "you did it to her, I would do it to you". It doesn't matter that the man didn't kill Angel; for Ice it was enough that he even tried to do it. But the main point, in both the trilogy and the episode of series, is to hurt the people the same way they were trying to hurt their beloveds.

I don't really understand this theory but, then again, I'm not a murderer, I have never even been close to it, so I may never understand it but I can see it when it's happening. On the one hand, I hate every thought that might be about a revenge. I don't believe in setting justice through a murder. It will never return the person who you love and who have been killed. It will never make you happy or free. I am just sure of it. But on the other hand, sometimes I'm so carried away with a story and characters I grew to love that I can't see another way to make justice. I sympathize so deeply with their loss or nearly loss that I can't think straight. I grieve.

I have two explanations for this. First, it's who I am. I am not able to give a straight answer to a question. I am not able to judge a situation from one point of view. I am Libra and I am always to be uncertain. There is nothing I can do about it. That's why I always can say that a person is right and wrong at the same time.

Second, and it's a conclusion from the above, I can understand what it's like to lose your beloved or I come as close to understanding as I can. I don't feel my own feelings. Their feeling are in my head and in my heart. I know that there is only one way for them to deal with it. I know that I will better hide in secret place and grieve and grieve until I can take no longer. It will take so long, I know it, but I am not capable of revenge. But them... It's another story. They do what they think is the right thing to do. I can never argue with or deny it. They do what they have to do. It's as simple as that.

@темы: Xena&Gabrielle


March, 2

Today is a day when our group is on duty. It means few of our guys are to help college workers, and our class tutor are to catch those students who are late. Those guys who help, don't study, of course. And I was one of them.

Boys were to help getting rid of piles of snow. Masha and I were to help a worker in the clockroom, taking and giving back students' overclothes.

After two hours of work the boys were freed and were able to go home. You can't get snow away all day long, can you? But Masha and I were to work 'till three o'clock (it's time when sixth lesson is over and most of students go home).

During the day Masha and I were talking and having fun. In our college there isn't one damn minute without somebody demanding to have his/her overclothes, so we couldn't just sit and read a book ot do nothing. Apparently, after about three hours we started to get on each other's nerves. I believe, it means we are not so good together if we can't communicate longer than a day. And that's true. Masha and I are collge mates but nothing more. Even Oreshik means more to me than Masha does.

Maybe, I didn't even remember our uncomfortable relationship tomorrow if it were not for one more reason. After lunch we were told that one of us could go home if she wanted. Now, I should mention that Masha had a guitar lesson at three o'clock, and we all knew about it. She even said she was going to go at quarter to three in order to be on time at the lesson. Well, it's obvious that she couldn't go home even if she wanted to, because she had a lesson. But I had nothing at all. I was free to go home. But would Masha allow me? She said to a woman who suggested this idea, that if one of us would go home, another felt offended. Well, listen to me, you asshole. You can't go home because you have things to do. I'm free, so I can go home. And we have a permission to be free. Is it fair to keep your mate with your only because you can't go yourself? We are not best friend. I don't feel like wait for you or help you 'till the end of the day, so we can go home together. Do you understand you are being unreasonable? I wish you do, but it's obvious that you don't.

Today I understand that Masha is a two-faced person. Actually, she have said herself few time but I just too kind to believe immediatly. I needed a proof to understand it. So I got it.

@темы: College


Every day it seems harder and harder to understand others' thoughts and opinions. I discover that there are not only black and white colors but a helluva lot more.

I'm being showed that it's not so simple to live.

And it's scaring me.

The world whirls much more quicker than I do. I can't seem to catch up with it.

I don't think I can live in such a world. I don't feel like I belong to this world. It's too complicated.

Somebody says, more complicated more interesting. But not for me.

I wonder, if I'm older, will I understand wolrd's rules and standarts? Will I accept them? Will I start to make out the difference between things more clearly?

@темы: Who am I?


Coming out - 1

March, 8
9:40 P.M.

I had a nightmare. I don’t have them very often. I don’t even remember the last time I woke up screaming. Usually having a nightmare, I cry. But not this time.

I woke up because of horror. I was scared senseless. I didn’t understand where I was, at first. I couldn’t breathe properly. I couldn’t move. I was afraid if I did, something bad would happen.

Eventually, I managed to collect myself. I was able to breathe and move again. But I was still very scared.

After that I couldn't sleep a long time. I wanted to shower myself despite the fact I had a shower before I went to bed. I felt dirty and wanted to clean myself up.

You want to know about the nightmare itself, don't you? Well, listen.

It happened here, in our apartment. Actually, it started quite nice: an unknown girl and I were watching a TV in the kitchen. It was obvious we were together. The girl kissed me every time she wanted to. I was hugging her from behind embracing her stomach and enjoing her sweet scent. It was romantic and, well, pleasant.

Then, something bad had happened but I didn't know what. This girl led me to the bathroom where my mother was. And when I looked at her I understood that she knows. My mother knows that I am gay.

She was cleaning up the tub and was very angry. I guess, sha was mad at me because she was working and I was enjoying myself. I said that she could enjoy herself, too, if she wanted to. She yelled at me that she can't because my father is to come home tomorrow morning and he doesn't like when it's dirty at home.

I have never understood this reason and, I guess, I never will. You are not supposed to clean up a house because you have to. You do it if you want to or if you want to make your husband happy. And no other way round!

If you let your husband to be mad at you because of dirty house, it's your fault. You married such a bastard. It was your choice. Well, behave, then. But don't make your children suffer because of it. Don't teach them that it is a natural thing to cook a meal, clean up a house, give birth to children and please a man, reciving nothing back. It's a bullshit. You don't have to do such things if you don't want to. You are a free human being. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your life! Even if you're married, you don't have to humiliate yourself because of your husband. Your happiness is in your hands.

I always get angry with my mother when she does or says these things about women's fate and all that. I guess, all those thoughts of mine were flashing from my eyes because I don't remember myself saying them. Yet, my mother had raised from her knees and started to yell at me once again, more angrily and hatedly. She said I'm a freak. She said that she doesn't understand why I'm her daughter. She said that she hates me. She said that I will never know these things because I'm not supposed to.

I was so scared. I didn't inderstand how a mother can hate her daughter. How can she think I'm a bad person when I did nothing bad? Now can she not love me?

But then it hit me. I realized that I don't even want her to understand. I don't want to even try and explain her what's going on in my heart and my head. I know, she won't understand. She won't even listen to me! She thinks I'm a pervert and I know that I don't have a power to get her change her mind.

Mother got out of the tub and walked away from me continueing to yell something. I'm not sure but maybe I started to answer her; I was trying to tell her that it's not a choice a person can make. It's my life. It's the way I live. It's who I am.

And then she screamed: "Get out of my house! Get out! You're a freak. Do whatever you want. Rent an apartment, live wherever you want but not in my house. Get out!"

I was terrified. I've never thought it will be like that. I did know that this day may come but I've never imagined this to happen the way it did. I've never thought my mother was capable to throw me out of her house like that. What was I supposed to do? I knew that it was an early spring outside. I had absolutely nobody to come to. Yes, I had enough money to rent an apartment for a month or two but I didn't even know how to do it! I didn't know what things I had to take with me.

I was devastated. I couldn't realized it was happening to me. I wasn't prepared! I didn't know what to do. I couldn't live on a street, could I? I was completely lost.

I don't know what made me take my cell phome in my hands but I'm glad I did. There a was a message from a friend of mine. Usually we communicate on Internet, so I was surprised to find the sms from her. I didn't have a chance to read it properly but I understood that she was worried about me: I wasn't online for a long time, I didn't answer her u-mail messages. She asked weither I was alright or not.

I was very relieved to recieve her message! At that moment I felt that I wasn't alone. I knew that I could tell her everything about the situation and she would help. She's from Moscow, actually, but I know she has friends in St. Petersburg. I hoped she would tell them about my terrible living condition and we would find a way to solve my problem.

Her name is Galya - in order not to forget.

And then, after recieving a message, I locked myself in the toilet in order to send Galya a massage in piece. But mother figured out my motives and started to push the door. I realized that it was an end. She doesn't care weither I'm alive or not. I'm a freak in her eyes and I don't deserve to live. I couldn't believe it. Why wouldn't she leave me alone? Okay, she doesn't love me, it's not a big deal. A lot of mothers don't love their children. But why does she have to ruin my life? To destroy myself as a person? I know I am not a freak. I deserve to live my life as everybody else does. Why do I have to suffer because of who I am? Why do I have to hide myself? Why do I have to be ashamed of myself?

She didn't make it. She didn't kill me. Sha was smashing the door for a long time but then she stopped and said with disgust in her voice: "Do you really like it? How can you enjoy these disgusting things?"

I knew, she was talking about having sex with a woman. I was spechless. Is it what's it all about? Does she hate me because I enjoy sex with women? Does she think it is all that matters? Do they all think gays are freaks just because they enjoy same-sex lovemaking?

Finally, my nightmare had ended. I wasn't hurt physically but I was completely destroyed emotionally. I was lying on my back, trying to catch my breath and understand what had happened. I was repeating to myself it was just a nightmare, but I was totally lost. Thank God, in real life my parents both were in the country. I don't know what I would do if I were to face them in the morning. I don't know about my father but my mother is scaring me. I know she's capable of violent. I was beaten by her many times. I don't want it to continue.

I really don't know what to do. It was a nightmare, yes, but I think it was a warning what may happen if I'm not careful. But I don't want to be careful! It is my life! It's who I am. I can't change myself, can I?

I don't want to hide. I can't conceal myself all my life. I'm nineteen already and soon they will expext me to be married to a guy. At least, they will expect me to date a boy. They know no boy I have dated. Because I haven't! I was in two relationships but with girls. They don't know about them, of course.

They ask questions already! I always say I will never be married and have kids but they think it is teenager's murmurs. Will see what they will say when I'm not a teenager anymore.

I need to think about it very seriously. The bad thing is I can't deny myself if I'm being asked. To lie is never a good thing, I believe. Even in this case.

I don't understand why a gay person has to have parents who may hate him because of who he is. Is it fair? It ruins his life from the start! There is no safe place for him. It's like stop living. He is to lose his parents because he's gay. He can't change this situation. He is to be hated and abandoned by his parents because of who he is.

I just can't believe it.

@темы: Сны, Домашние, Who am I?


One of the most dull moments about my college is two Big Breaks between lessons. Usually one break lasts ten minutes, which is quite enough to change your dislocation from one class to another, or to visit a bathroom, if necessary. For those who is used to have a lunch at college, there is a Big Break between third and forth lesson. It lasts thirty minutes and is definitely enough for having a meal. So, what is another one break for? Well, actually, somebody may not have time to have a lunch during first Big Break, I do understand it. And because of it, he has to make it during second Big Break. But the thing is, I do not have a lunch at college at all. I'm aware that it is my choice and nobody should care. But I still feel a little offended for I have to wait two Big Breaks to have my lessons begun.

The reason why I'm writing what I'm writing now, is today's event during second Big Break. My college mates - Oreshik and Masha - had a lunch during first BB, so all three of us had nothing to do during second one. Next lesson was supposed to be an Economics, the class of which is located on the first floor. But there is no comfy furniture there, so we decided to headed on the second floor and have our seats on the large couch. I was listening to music and girls were talking to each other. It was quite bearible. Very soon Masha stood up and said that she is going to check where our group is, in order to make sure we are not missed. I don't know why she had to be so worried about it. We are in the same building and we all have cell phones, if something is up. But it doesn't matter anyway.

There were only two of us on the couch, Oreshik and I. There were a few girls on the next couch, about thirty m from us. And, of course, there were a lot of passers-by - teachers and students altogether.

Oreshik wanted to sleep the whole last lesson, so as soon as Masha had gone, she started to position herself more comfortable on the couch, for we had now more free room than before. It was natural to offer her a hand. So, few seconds and some shiftings later we were lying quite comfortable together. Well, we were not lying exactly, it's rather rude to stretch on a couch at college. We leaned over the cushions; Oreshik rested her head on my right breast and my right arm was supporting her side. I remember her hair tickling against my cheek. I felt quite content and just a little bit nervous.

We kept this position till the ring, but before that I had a lot of thoughts. Oreshik means nothing to me in romantic aspect, so this little thing on the couch isn't bothering me in this way. But she and I are college mates. We are not exactly friends but, hell, I don't have friends at all. Maybe, there is a chance for me to start making friends at last? I don't mean I'm going to come to Oreshik first thing tomorrow morning and share all my secrets with her. But, at least, I can enjoy myself during situations like this one. When was the last time I hugged anybody? Anybody hugged me? I need a hug. And I'm not going to deny it any longer. I'm not a hero. I'm a human being who can use love and support sometimes.

After Economics lesson there was supposed to be Information Technology one but Oreshik and I had a more interesting thing to do than that one. There is our favorite tutor's birthday on the third of March and we decided to buy her a present. So, the two of us headed to the nearest market.

It's rather fun to do shopping with your mate, you know. I've never made this thing before. We had chosen a very beatiful necklace and a pair of earings; it is a set. It cost us 350 rubles and it's very cheap. But the post card we had bought, cost us 51 ruble and I was shocked by this price. I don't like post cards at all; a rather useless gift, don't you think?

All purchases are bought and we spent about half an hour strolling along the market. That's one of the things girls are supposed to do together, yeah? Well, it wasn't so bad; quite nice, I must admit. I'm sure I can do it more often.

@темы: College, Who am I?


Xena: season 1, episode 10 'Hooves and Harlots'

О, наконец-то я узнала, как Габриэль стала Амазонкой! Кстати, не ожидала, что это произойдет так быстро. Конечно, называться Амазонкой вовсе не значит быть ею: Габриэль еще не умеет хорошо управляться с оружием и воевать, но ее юбка стала более короткой, а кофта открывает часть живота. Чем меньше одежды, тем удобнее двигаться и управлять своим телом, - в этом смысле. :) Да и военная смекалка у Габриэль проявляется! Может быть, она и раньше была, просто никто не знал об этом; забыта за ненадобностью. Но когда тебя окружает опасность и постоянно нужно быть начеку (даже если Зена рядом), эта настороженность и готовность если что защищаться вырабатываются сами собой.

@темы: Xena&Gabrielle

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