Записи с темой: ощущения (список заголовков)

It should have been posted it yesterday since it has happened yesterday, but I've posted something else and did't have enough time for another post. Lately I'm all over reading fanfics. Don't have time to do housework even. Folks are being crazy about it last two days, but what can I do? I'm enjoying myself. =)))

So, this event. Not a big deal, actually. For almost everybody. But for me - it is. As you must know already, I'm very home-type girl; I prefer to be alone surrounding the walls of our apartment. I'm not meant to be out-going. I don't need it.

Still there are times when I feel like I can use a small walk. Just stretch a little and have some fun, you know. It's not easy to do so when I don't have friends, though. But I do have my family, and it's good to know they are willing to help me sometimes. Like yesterday.

Yes, we were out. I have no idea how many blocks we've passed but we were out for about two hours and it's quite enough. See, it's winter out there, so we were walking through this small park we have in the neighbourhood. There are a lot of snow on the grass. Well, actually, there is no grass at all; it's Russian winter, for Peter's sake; we have very cold and frosty winters sometimes. Still, it's true that we have piles of snow. I just don't know how to say where it's lying. But it doesn't matter anyway.

Then, after this small park, we headed north, along the embankment. Truth be told, it's quite warm outside. No one of us felt cold. It was about ten degrees below zero; very relaxing after twenty fifth frost.

There is a small park amusement in our neighbourhood and we decided to visit it, too. I was amused that some attractions were working. Hell, it's winter! I'm freezing when it's summer and I'm ridding some pretty plastic horse. It's about wind and all. Russians really are crazy, are they not?

We were doing nothing in the amusement park, just walking. Frankly saying, I did enjoy attractions when I was a child, but I'm scared about them now. I'm afraid of falling and breaking some part of my body. It can happen, you know. I prefer not to try fortune unnecessary.

We passed the park through and exited on the another side. There was a road parallel the embankment, and it was much more crowded then the last one. And I didn't like it. See, I told you already, I rather prefer to be alone. Well, few people around me is not so bad, either. But I definitely don't like crowds. Especially I don't like crowds in places where I can meet somebody familiar. From school or hobby groups, that sort of thing. I don't have them in my life for very long time and it's obvious I don't long for them now. It is my past. And I don't like my past.

Since a road has a lot of places to do shopping in, as opposed to an embankment, my folks visited them. Well, yes, we need food to cook our meal, but I don't like shopping at all. I stayed outside every time they called in. What am going to do about it when I live on my own, I wonder?

Finally, we made our way home. I was happy to have this walk but I was even more happier to be home at last.

@темы: Ощущения


Radisson hotel is located on the Nevskiy prospect which is the main street in our city. Considering this, I was proud of myself that I was working in this hotel. Well, it’s not only about the pride. I just can’t put my finger on it properly: how could have I ended so luckily to be allowed to work in such a hotel? I consider it as a luck because there isn’t better status than five-star hotel, is it? At least, in our country. Or, maybe, impossible is nothing? They just say it’s difficult to get a job in such a place but how did they find out if they themselves work in a college? I think, a lot of talks in our alma mater are useless, or even harmful. They teach us things that don’t exist and are expecting us to be successful. How so? I would to like to have theoretical knowledge hand with hand with practical one, but would they listen? Yeah, sure, we have two one-month long time practices but it’s not enough! Besides, we don’t get that kind of practice that we should. A lot of guys from our group have been working mades instead of receptionists. Will they be able to work in a hotel if they don’t get practical knowledge about the work they are supposed to do?

Well, I’m tired of trying convice them to do their work right and useful for us, students. Eventually, why am I bothering at all? I am able to run my life on my own and I can’t let myself to worry about others. They have their own heads on their shoulders, right? So, let them work it out on their own.

And let us come up a little closer to the main issue in our hot conversation – to the practice. I have already written more than five post about it in my Internet diaries but I can’t help myself. There is still one moment that I didn’t announce yet. It’s about that girl...
Well, let’s start from the beginning. When I saw her for the first time I don’t remember there was something special about her. I was nervous as hell because it was my first day in the hotel, and a lot of things passed by me unnoticed. Though, I do remember what I said to myself after I have met all the girls working that morning. I was amased how beautiful they were and was wondering how they could have accepted my proposal. Well, switchboards are not supposed to be beautiful but receptionists are. I have already told I’m not the biggest fan of myself, haven’t I?

The girl’s name is Julya. And I’m almost sure she’s about eight years older than me. Let’s count! She was waitress when the hotel was open, in 2001. She might have been nineteen or so in that moment. So, nine years have passed... How old is she? At least, she’s twenty eight, since adults are to be eighteen to have a right to get a long-term job. So, I guessed right. She’s much older than me but I don’t give a toss about it.

She is very beautiful. Stunning. Yet, a lot fragile sometimes. I didn’t notice at first but she’s so slim, I couldn’t imagine this can be possible. I have seen her photo in the magazine of our company: it was made about two or so years ago. She is much different now than she was, but the both views of her are striking. On that photo, by the by, she had more weight than she has now. I’m wondering, what could have happened to make it how it is now? I hope, it wasn’t a disease.

She is my boss, by the way. Was. I still can’t believe I’m no longer the part of that hotel’s environment. I feel as if I have worked there at least two years. It was really a pleasure to be there and to do my job and to had those wonderful people as my colleagues.

I’m used to type those passports of foreigners, and take quick looks at Julya. There was a wall in front of my work place, but it had an effect like a mirror has, so I could just lifted my head up a little and could saw her behind her work desk: typing something or reading from the computer screen or whatever it was, but I have never seen her with empty hands. She’s so much in love with the job that I’m dangerously impressed. I never thought before about my own stay-in late. Maybe, because of it? Because of the longing to see her more than allowed? No, stop it. I really enjoyed the job and the place. And I worked late because I wanted to work and had nothing to do at home. I think, there is no such a thing as a crush at all. I admire Julya, I respect her and am very fond of her but it’s because of her devoteness to her work. Nobody but her has such a hunger to work in the hotel, to make things right, to help guests and to be nice and friendly to everyone. I’m not sure if there is anything to make her lose her temper or be nervous. Well, she was a little nervous when we were saying good-bye to each other for the first time but it wasn’t exactly nervousness, it was vulnerability, I guess. I can swear, I saw something in her eyes, even if I have never been able to read somebody’s eyes. But it means nothing anyway. I like her a lot but I won’t be able to make a first move because I’m too scared to lose her at all. To let her lose that picture she has about me. I’m afraid some people can be so cruel to change their mind about somebody only because they have found out she’s gay. And I won’t risk it. Even if she is like such people, I won’t let myself to know it. I don’t want to lose that picture about her, either.

@темы: Ощущения, Radisson


When you don't want to do something, at least, give it a chance.

It was November and I had caught a cold. Lying on the bed and trying to get myself together, I really wasn't expecting this to happen. What was 'this'? It was a phone call from my collegemate. She informed me that our tutors decided to give me a practice in Radisson Hotel. They were told that I was very good in English, so I was dependable enough to send me in five-star hotel. What was my reaction? I was very scared! I don't know what it is, maybe my very low opinion about myself, but if there is something good and interesting in the offing, I am too afraid to try it and I will rather be hidden at home 'till the end of the story than go and try it on.

Nevertheless, it was first of December and I was in Radisson Hotel. In the firsl day of practice there wasn't one at all. The locker room was shown, I was given an uniform (in order to put it in my loker 'till next day) and magnetic key and some piece of laminated paper to be my ID on the territory of the hotel.

My second day of practice started at five-thirty in the morning - not because I was to be so early in the hotel but because I needed to wash my hair and I was to be in the hotel at nine. First of all when I was in, I reached the locker room and changed my clothes.

Here, words need to be said about other people in the hotel. When you enter the building there are several men who are to check your ID. I always say to them 'Good morning' and am given the same in response.

The locker rooms are divided into women's area and men's one. There were one or two women when I entered the locker room. I greeted them with polite 'Good morning' but they obviously were in a hurry and didn't seem to notice my words. As I noted, almost everybody are in a hurry when they are in the locker room. Of course, I don't doubt a lot of them work in this place long enough to adjust and to change clothes quickly. But still, I think, there are people who like to go-slow as I do.

Also, I want to mention about modesty in a locker room. There is not at all. Women there are shameless mostly, and I can understand it in some way - we all are women and have the same bodies, so there is nothing to be worried about. But, firstly, I really am modest. I'm ashamed of my body and am not self-confident enough to let people see me half-naked and feel comfortable about it. Secondly, I'm a lesbian. I can't look and not see their bodies. I'm trying, of course, but still I'm terrified if they will notice my looks and say something. Too risky. And, thirdly, it follows that I see women's bodies and they turn me on with little help of my imagination. How many stories are in my head in the moment about a beautiful woman and I in the locker room, falling on each other and then kissing passionately!..

My first day was very nervious. And who could have stayed calm and self-assured in this kind of situation? First of all, I didn't know where to go after I changed my clothes. Anna B., who had interviewed me two weeks or so ago, were absent. Her instructions for me were to call '0' and tell somebody from Front Office to come down and pick me up. Front Office is a place where I was supposed to practise. In that moment I didn't know it is called so, but I had learned it very soon as I had learned a lot of things about hotel industry.

It was Julia who had come down for me. I don't remember my first impression about her, though, I'd like to remember it. Well, I guess, it was a relief in some way because Julya was very friendly and smiled as sincerely as I did. She had shown me the way to Front Office and I was very glad she come down to meet me because I would never be able to manage on my own. (By the by, I had lost my way on the second day but it's not time yet to tell about it. :))

Already in the Front Office I had met Anya and Ira - a switchboard and a receptionist, respectively. As I found out, Julya is our Manager. She is the main person in our departure. She has a lot of things to do and that day was no different. So, Anya was asked by Julya to teach me simple programmes on the PC and to show how to deal with handwork. I'm not going to tell you all the details because I have written too many words already. I'll just say that I had to work with foreigners' passports for the first day.

Actually, the main thing about switchboard is that he is to answer calls. People on the other end of the line can't wait too long, so switchboard is supposed to answer a call within three calls. When Anya were teaching me new things, we were disturbing almost constantly because people were calling and Anya had to answer. The first thing I had learned about calls is that there are three types of them: out-side, internal and calls from in-house guests. We are supposed to say three different kinds of reply for every kind of call so mistakes happen sometimes, but you don't have to worry about it; shit happens, too, right? I will write the kind of response for outside call: "Добрый день. Радиссон САС Ройал Отель. Полина speaking. How may I help you?" Russian and English are included in one phrase so people can understand that switchboard speaks the both of languages.

I was allowed to answer calls on the second day. It wasn't my own initiative because I was scared of calls but Anya has such an enthusiasm that I couldn't resist. My first call wasn't from people as I was making a call in order to wake up one of the in-house guests - it's one of our free services. Anyway, the guest was Russian so it was less scared than to make a call to English one, so I made it very well.

There were a lot of calls during the day. Some of them were easy to answer because people knew who they would have liked to talk to. But there were some ones when people were asking me questions about hotel and I didn't know what to answer yet. In that case, I put them through my colleague, Anya, and she solved their problems. Anya was a huge help for me during first days and I was very grateful for that.

Little by little, I was adjusting to practise in Radisson Hotel. After only two days of work I realised that I really liked it. I had been doing something useful, not just wasting my time. In comparison with my previuos experiences in different hotels this practice really taught me a lot of helpful things. I was allowed to know what works of a switchboard and a receptionists are, realising that textbooks are useless mostly. I had met interesting people who is a pleasure to talk to. Not everybody of them was nice, sure thing, but those who was, were enough to make my happy.

It's not the end of the story. I will try to write down a little more details about my practice but not right now.

@темы: Ощущения, Radisson


The beginning of my new life

I have made my mind about this diary. I wanted to have one as something to write in, not in Russian but in English. My learning the language has turned into obsession. I read in English every day, I see movies and series almost daily, I have even started to read one interesting forum about foreigners in our country. I have covered two copybooks with writing - it was something like diary, some notes about my life, - and, finally, continued to write in my old paper diary in English but stopped after several days. Somehow the paper diary makes me feel uncomfortable to write in it. It's too formal, too beautiful. I don't feel free to write everything I want. All my thougths seem childish and silly.

Thereby I decided to use this diary as a place to write in only in English. I have been thinking about creating a new one in order to give my Internet friends a possibility to read and comment. But now I don't think that's a good idea. I'm afraid that I won't be able to write in a diary constantly. There are periods of times when I like to share my thoughts with a diary and there are another ones when I don't want to do it. If somebody reads my diary, I will feel guilty every time I don't write when they expect me to. If nobody reads my diary, there is no responsibility at all. There is freedom. I like it.

So, I' starting a new life with all my wish to do it and belief in good.

@темы: Ощущения


Даже не верится, что больше полугода не писала в этот дневник. Даже пришлось вытаскивать его из архива - не успела предупреждающий у-мыл вовремя прочитать. Но это хорошо. Обычно я обращалась к этому дневнику, когда на душе тоскливо было. Не могу сказать, что последние полгода все было гладко или как-то особенно радостно, но было лучше, чем раньше. А сейчас вообще все хорошо. Не снаружи, а внутри, если можно так выразиться. А когда внутри хорошо, тогда и окружение меняется в лучшую сторону.

@темы: Ощущения


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Новая учительница по физкультуре мне нравится уже меньше. И вовсе ей не 35, как я думала, да и методы преподавания не такие уж хорошие.
Хотя, на самом деле, я просто расстроена. Прежняя учительница уволилась и неизвестно куда дела оценки по сданным нормативам. И теперь нам придется сдавать все заново. Очень весело.
Сдавали прыжки на скакалке. Нужно было прыгнуть 130 раз за минуту. Легко! В прошлый раз я вообще 160 прыгнула. А в этот раз еще такая фигня: прыгаю и чувствую, как лямка лифчика спадает. Остановилась, поправила и дальше прыгать. И все равно уложилась. :gigi:
Всю территорию колледжа обгородили забором - решетка с частыми прутьями. И чтобы идти домой в нашу сторону, нужно сделать крюк. Нам, естественно, делать этого не хочется. (Собственно, с какой стати? Всю жизнь была там дорожка, а теперь, видите ли, обходить надо.) Поэтому, наши мальчики растянули два прутика, чтобы пролезать там и не обходить.
Возвращаясь с физ-ры, Настя показала мне эту лазейку, потому что я про нее еще не знала. Посмотрев, я засомневалась, что пролезу. Но смогла))) Была бы грудь поменьше, вообще бы легко проскакивала)

@темы: Ощущения


Сегодня мне весело. Я счастливая девочка.

@темы: Ощущения


Ночью я могу плакать и думать, думать и плакать сколько угодно. Но на следующий день я улыбаюсь своему отражению в зеркале и не могу грустить. Ночь - это что-то личное, только мое. Днем я на всеобщем обозрении, люди общаются со мной, и я должна нести "позитив в массы", как говорится.

Я думаю о том, что...

Я люблю женщин. Я бы хотела прожить жизнь с женщиной, которую любила бы и которая любила бы меня. У нас был бы свой собственный дом. Наша общая спальня. Большая кровать. У нас был бы рояль, на котором я бы играла ей ее любимые мелодии. У нас была бы веранда, на которую мы выходили бы осенью, садились в кресла, укрывались пледами и слушали, как капает дождь по крыше. Возможно, у нас были бы дети. Свои или взятые из детдома - это не важно. Мы бы ухаживали за ними, мы бы заботились о них, мы бы любили их. Весной мы бы ходили в лес, и я бы впервые увидела подснежники. У нас был бы камин.

Мои родители ничего не знают о том, что у меня в душе. И если они узнают, я не уверена, что они воспримут это хорошо. Моя бабушка говорила мне сегодня, что я уже выросла, мне восемнадцать лет. Возраст от восемнадцати до двадцати пяти - юность. Она ничего не сказала больше, но я поняла, что она имела ввиду - время любить, создавать семью. Она уверена, что у меня будет муж, будут дети, будет общий быт. Я буду убираться в доме и готовить обеды, буду возиться с детьми, буду сильной. Она такая. Ее дочь такая. Моя мама такая. Порой я жалею, что мои родители - старомодны. Я знаю человека, чьи родители - дети жизни, "хиппи". Они восприняли его ориентацию, как его личный выбор, и только попросили быть аккуратным. У меня тоже есть этот выбор. В любом случае я его сделаю и я знаю, в чью пользу. Так вот, родителям от этого не будет хорошо. Возможно, было бы лучше, если бы я предпочитала мужчин? Все было бы тра-ди-ци-он-но. Привычно. Как у всех. Я ненавижу быть как все. Но я люблю женщин не по этому, разумеется.

Я просто такая, какая я есть. Сейчас в этом нет проблемы. И, возможно, не будет и в будущем. Просто странно и печально иногда осозновать это, эту ситуацию в целом.

@темы: Ощущения


Dear Mister President

Я услышала первый раз эту песню в сериале The L Word - в конце четвертого сезона, когда Таша сказала Элис, что через две недели ее часть отправляют в Ирак.
Наверное, меня зацепили слова "when a mother has no chance to say good bye", - единственное, что я слету смогла перевести.
И я полезла искать эту песню.
Мерлин, какие же ощущения я испытала - не могу описать словами.
Слова песни настолько четкие, настолько правдивые, настолько глубоко всаживаются в сердце, что просто невозможно не влюбиться в эту песню.
А голос Пинк - это же божественно. И ее эмоции. На видео очень хорошо видно, что она чувствует, когда исполняет эту песню.
На словах "what kind of father might hate his own daught if she were gay" зал зааплодировал, а я не смогла сдержать слезы. Наверное, то, что я тоже люблю женщин, сыграло существенную роль. Но мне кажется, что даже если бы я была натуралкой, я бы все равно боролась за права секс-меньшинств, потому что я считаю, что человек в первую очередь человек, а не принадлежность к какой-либо ориентации.
И видео-ряд подобран просто потрясающе.
Я в восторге. Я просто в восторге! Я люблю эту песню и Пинк.
И я полностью согласна со всеми словами этой песни. Видимо, Первая и Вторая Мировые войны ничему не научили людей, если они продолжают устраивать войны, губя жизни мальчиков и девочек, их матерей и родных, и заставляя страдать всех на этой планете.
Я восхищаюсь Ташей. Она два раза была в Ираке. На ее глазах (и на ее руках) гибли ее товарищи, сослуживцы, близкие люди. А она поехала бы туда и в третий раз, если бы смогла. Потому что она служит своей стране, она ей верна и ее служба - вся ее жизнь.
Но то, что она в конце выбрала Элис и любовь к ней - за это я ее просто обожаю. Даже если у них в итоге не получится, это не важно. Важно то, что в тот момент, когда она любила, она признала эти чувства и полностью им отдалась. И не важна ни служба, запрещающая гомосексуальные отношения, ни вся жизнь до этого; важно то, что сейчас.
Я восхищаюсь Ташей.

@темы: Ощущения, The L Word


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I love you both, guys. You're so hot together!
And, Shane, I understand you. You are strong and you are right.
But I'm so very sorry.

@темы: Ощущения, Женщины, The L Word


Третий сезон сериала The L Word самый тяжелый. Болезнь Даны, непонимание между Бет и Тиной, измена Шейн, гордость Кармен, изменения с Мойрой...
Все это наваливается на зрителя (на меня), и я так паршиво себя сейчас чувствую.
Это можно сравнить с теми чувствами... Когда мы с бывшей виделись так редко, а мне хотелось быть с ней ежесекундно. И я мечтала о ней, и жаждала ее. И плакала от невозможности поцеловать ее даже при встрече. И понимала, что все равно мы не будем вместе, потому что я не самостоятельна, а она этого не хочет, сколько бы я об этом не грезила.

Мне безумно нравится Шейн. Или Кейт Менинг? Я не знаю. Я знаю эту девушку лишь по сериалу. И абсолютно точно, что я лишь хочу трахнуть ее. Но как же сильно я этого хочу...
Я постоянно влюбляюсь в кого-нибудь. Я могу влюбиться даже в нескольких людей одновременно. И что самое поразительное: я их знаю, а они меня нет. И это касается не только актрис.

P.S. Этот дневник действительно мне нужен. Здесь я могу сказать даже то, что не могу написать в бумажном. Я всегда говорила: печатать намного легче и быстрее.

@темы: The L Word, Женщины, Ощущения

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