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Записи с темой: who am i? (список заголовков)
19:13 

Does it matter that you are beautiful, healthy and rich if you are not happy?

Does it matter that you are ugly, sick and poor if you are happy?

@темы: Who am I?

17:56 

Every day it seems harder and harder to understand others' thoughts and opinions. I discover that there are not only black and white colors but a helluva lot more.

I'm being showed that it's not so simple to live.

And it's scaring me.

The world whirls much more quicker than I do. I can't seem to catch up with it.

I don't think I can live in such a world. I don't feel like I belong to this world. It's too complicated.

Somebody says, more complicated more interesting. But not for me.

I wonder, if I'm older, will I understand wolrd's rules and standarts? Will I accept them? Will I start to make out the difference between things more clearly?

@темы: Who am I?

17:46 

Coming out - 1

March, 8
Monday
9:40 P.M.



I had a nightmare. I don’t have them very often. I don’t even remember the last time I woke up screaming. Usually having a nightmare, I cry. But not this time.

I woke up because of horror. I was scared senseless. I didn’t understand where I was, at first. I couldn’t breathe properly. I couldn’t move. I was afraid if I did, something bad would happen.

Eventually, I managed to collect myself. I was able to breathe and move again. But I was still very scared.

After that I couldn't sleep a long time. I wanted to shower myself despite the fact I had a shower before I went to bed. I felt dirty and wanted to clean myself up.

You want to know about the nightmare itself, don't you? Well, listen.

It happened here, in our apartment. Actually, it started quite nice: an unknown girl and I were watching a TV in the kitchen. It was obvious we were together. The girl kissed me every time she wanted to. I was hugging her from behind embracing her stomach and enjoing her sweet scent. It was romantic and, well, pleasant.

Then, something bad had happened but I didn't know what. This girl led me to the bathroom where my mother was. And when I looked at her I understood that she knows. My mother knows that I am gay.

She was cleaning up the tub and was very angry. I guess, sha was mad at me because she was working and I was enjoying myself. I said that she could enjoy herself, too, if she wanted to. She yelled at me that she can't because my father is to come home tomorrow morning and he doesn't like when it's dirty at home.

I have never understood this reason and, I guess, I never will. You are not supposed to clean up a house because you have to. You do it if you want to or if you want to make your husband happy. And no other way round!

If you let your husband to be mad at you because of dirty house, it's your fault. You married such a bastard. It was your choice. Well, behave, then. But don't make your children suffer because of it. Don't teach them that it is a natural thing to cook a meal, clean up a house, give birth to children and please a man, reciving nothing back. It's a bullshit. You don't have to do such things if you don't want to. You are a free human being. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your life! Even if you're married, you don't have to humiliate yourself because of your husband. Your happiness is in your hands.

I always get angry with my mother when she does or says these things about women's fate and all that. I guess, all those thoughts of mine were flashing from my eyes because I don't remember myself saying them. Yet, my mother had raised from her knees and started to yell at me once again, more angrily and hatedly. She said I'm a freak. She said that she doesn't understand why I'm her daughter. She said that she hates me. She said that I will never know these things because I'm not supposed to.

I was so scared. I didn't inderstand how a mother can hate her daughter. How can she think I'm a bad person when I did nothing bad? Now can she not love me?

But then it hit me. I realized that I don't even want her to understand. I don't want to even try and explain her what's going on in my heart and my head. I know, she won't understand. She won't even listen to me! She thinks I'm a pervert and I know that I don't have a power to get her change her mind.

Mother got out of the tub and walked away from me continueing to yell something. I'm not sure but maybe I started to answer her; I was trying to tell her that it's not a choice a person can make. It's my life. It's the way I live. It's who I am.

And then she screamed: "Get out of my house! Get out! You're a freak. Do whatever you want. Rent an apartment, live wherever you want but not in my house. Get out!"

I was terrified. I've never thought it will be like that. I did know that this day may come but I've never imagined this to happen the way it did. I've never thought my mother was capable to throw me out of her house like that. What was I supposed to do? I knew that it was an early spring outside. I had absolutely nobody to come to. Yes, I had enough money to rent an apartment for a month or two but I didn't even know how to do it! I didn't know what things I had to take with me.

I was devastated. I couldn't realized it was happening to me. I wasn't prepared! I didn't know what to do. I couldn't live on a street, could I? I was completely lost.

I don't know what made me take my cell phome in my hands but I'm glad I did. There a was a message from a friend of mine. Usually we communicate on Internet, so I was surprised to find the sms from her. I didn't have a chance to read it properly but I understood that she was worried about me: I wasn't online for a long time, I didn't answer her u-mail messages. She asked weither I was alright or not.

I was very relieved to recieve her message! At that moment I felt that I wasn't alone. I knew that I could tell her everything about the situation and she would help. She's from Moscow, actually, but I know she has friends in St. Petersburg. I hoped she would tell them about my terrible living condition and we would find a way to solve my problem.

Her name is Galya - in order not to forget.


And then, after recieving a message, I locked myself in the toilet in order to send Galya a massage in piece. But mother figured out my motives and started to push the door. I realized that it was an end. She doesn't care weither I'm alive or not. I'm a freak in her eyes and I don't deserve to live. I couldn't believe it. Why wouldn't she leave me alone? Okay, she doesn't love me, it's not a big deal. A lot of mothers don't love their children. But why does she have to ruin my life? To destroy myself as a person? I know I am not a freak. I deserve to live my life as everybody else does. Why do I have to suffer because of who I am? Why do I have to hide myself? Why do I have to be ashamed of myself?

She didn't make it. She didn't kill me. Sha was smashing the door for a long time but then she stopped and said with disgust in her voice: "Do you really like it? How can you enjoy these disgusting things?"

I knew, she was talking about having sex with a woman. I was spechless. Is it what's it all about? Does she hate me because I enjoy sex with women? Does she think it is all that matters? Do they all think gays are freaks just because they enjoy same-sex lovemaking?

Finally, my nightmare had ended. I wasn't hurt physically but I was completely destroyed emotionally. I was lying on my back, trying to catch my breath and understand what had happened. I was repeating to myself it was just a nightmare, but I was totally lost. Thank God, in real life my parents both were in the country. I don't know what I would do if I were to face them in the morning. I don't know about my father but my mother is scaring me. I know she's capable of violent. I was beaten by her many times. I don't want it to continue.


I really don't know what to do. It was a nightmare, yes, but I think it was a warning what may happen if I'm not careful. But I don't want to be careful! It is my life! It's who I am. I can't change myself, can I?

I don't want to hide. I can't conceal myself all my life. I'm nineteen already and soon they will expext me to be married to a guy. At least, they will expect me to date a boy. They know no boy I have dated. Because I haven't! I was in two relationships but with girls. They don't know about them, of course.

They ask questions already! I always say I will never be married and have kids but they think it is teenager's murmurs. Will see what they will say when I'm not a teenager anymore.

I need to think about it very seriously. The bad thing is I can't deny myself if I'm being asked. To lie is never a good thing, I believe. Even in this case.


I don't understand why a gay person has to have parents who may hate him because of who he is. Is it fair? It ruins his life from the start! There is no safe place for him. It's like stop living. He is to lose his parents because he's gay. He can't change this situation. He is to be hated and abandoned by his parents because of who he is.

I just can't believe it.

@темы: Сны, Домашние, Who am I?

21:56 

One of the most dull moments about my college is two Big Breaks between lessons. Usually one break lasts ten minutes, which is quite enough to change your dislocation from one class to another, or to visit a bathroom, if necessary. For those who is used to have a lunch at college, there is a Big Break between third and forth lesson. It lasts thirty minutes and is definitely enough for having a meal. So, what is another one break for? Well, actually, somebody may not have time to have a lunch during first Big Break, I do understand it. And because of it, he has to make it during second Big Break. But the thing is, I do not have a lunch at college at all. I'm aware that it is my choice and nobody should care. But I still feel a little offended for I have to wait two Big Breaks to have my lessons begun.

The reason why I'm writing what I'm writing now, is today's event during second Big Break. My college mates - Oreshik and Masha - had a lunch during first BB, so all three of us had nothing to do during second one. Next lesson was supposed to be an Economics, the class of which is located on the first floor. But there is no comfy furniture there, so we decided to headed on the second floor and have our seats on the large couch. I was listening to music and girls were talking to each other. It was quite bearible. Very soon Masha stood up and said that she is going to check where our group is, in order to make sure we are not missed. I don't know why she had to be so worried about it. We are in the same building and we all have cell phones, if something is up. But it doesn't matter anyway.

There were only two of us on the couch, Oreshik and I. There were a few girls on the next couch, about thirty m from us. And, of course, there were a lot of passers-by - teachers and students altogether.

Oreshik wanted to sleep the whole last lesson, so as soon as Masha had gone, she started to position herself more comfortable on the couch, for we had now more free room than before. It was natural to offer her a hand. So, few seconds and some shiftings later we were lying quite comfortable together. Well, we were not lying exactly, it's rather rude to stretch on a couch at college. We leaned over the cushions; Oreshik rested her head on my right breast and my right arm was supporting her side. I remember her hair tickling against my cheek. I felt quite content and just a little bit nervous.

We kept this position till the ring, but before that I had a lot of thoughts. Oreshik means nothing to me in romantic aspect, so this little thing on the couch isn't bothering me in this way. But she and I are college mates. We are not exactly friends but, hell, I don't have friends at all. Maybe, there is a chance for me to start making friends at last? I don't mean I'm going to come to Oreshik first thing tomorrow morning and share all my secrets with her. But, at least, I can enjoy myself during situations like this one. When was the last time I hugged anybody? Anybody hugged me? I need a hug. And I'm not going to deny it any longer. I'm not a hero. I'm a human being who can use love and support sometimes.

After Economics lesson there was supposed to be Information Technology one but Oreshik and I had a more interesting thing to do than that one. There is our favorite tutor's birthday on the third of March and we decided to buy her a present. So, the two of us headed to the nearest market.

It's rather fun to do shopping with your mate, you know. I've never made this thing before. We had chosen a very beatiful necklace and a pair of earings; it is a set. It cost us 350 rubles and it's very cheap. But the post card we had bought, cost us 51 ruble and I was shocked by this price. I don't like post cards at all; a rather useless gift, don't you think?

All purchases are bought and we spent about half an hour strolling along the market. That's one of the things girls are supposed to do together, yeah? Well, it wasn't so bad; quite nice, I must admit. I'm sure I can do it more often.

@темы: College, Who am I?

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