17:46 

Coming out - 1

Pikkadili
March, 8
Monday
9:40 P.M.



I had a nightmare. I don’t have them very often. I don’t even remember the last time I woke up screaming. Usually having a nightmare, I cry. But not this time.

I woke up because of horror. I was scared senseless. I didn’t understand where I was, at first. I couldn’t breathe properly. I couldn’t move. I was afraid if I did, something bad would happen.

Eventually, I managed to collect myself. I was able to breathe and move again. But I was still very scared.

After that I couldn't sleep a long time. I wanted to shower myself despite the fact I had a shower before I went to bed. I felt dirty and wanted to clean myself up.

You want to know about the nightmare itself, don't you? Well, listen.

It happened here, in our apartment. Actually, it started quite nice: an unknown girl and I were watching a TV in the kitchen. It was obvious we were together. The girl kissed me every time she wanted to. I was hugging her from behind embracing her stomach and enjoing her sweet scent. It was romantic and, well, pleasant.

Then, something bad had happened but I didn't know what. This girl led me to the bathroom where my mother was. And when I looked at her I understood that she knows. My mother knows that I am gay.

She was cleaning up the tub and was very angry. I guess, sha was mad at me because she was working and I was enjoying myself. I said that she could enjoy herself, too, if she wanted to. She yelled at me that she can't because my father is to come home tomorrow morning and he doesn't like when it's dirty at home.

I have never understood this reason and, I guess, I never will. You are not supposed to clean up a house because you have to. You do it if you want to or if you want to make your husband happy. And no other way round!

If you let your husband to be mad at you because of dirty house, it's your fault. You married such a bastard. It was your choice. Well, behave, then. But don't make your children suffer because of it. Don't teach them that it is a natural thing to cook a meal, clean up a house, give birth to children and please a man, reciving nothing back. It's a bullshit. You don't have to do such things if you don't want to. You are a free human being. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your life! Even if you're married, you don't have to humiliate yourself because of your husband. Your happiness is in your hands.

I always get angry with my mother when she does or says these things about women's fate and all that. I guess, all those thoughts of mine were flashing from my eyes because I don't remember myself saying them. Yet, my mother had raised from her knees and started to yell at me once again, more angrily and hatedly. She said I'm a freak. She said that she doesn't understand why I'm her daughter. She said that she hates me. She said that I will never know these things because I'm not supposed to.

I was so scared. I didn't inderstand how a mother can hate her daughter. How can she think I'm a bad person when I did nothing bad? Now can she not love me?

But then it hit me. I realized that I don't even want her to understand. I don't want to even try and explain her what's going on in my heart and my head. I know, she won't understand. She won't even listen to me! She thinks I'm a pervert and I know that I don't have a power to get her change her mind.

Mother got out of the tub and walked away from me continueing to yell something. I'm not sure but maybe I started to answer her; I was trying to tell her that it's not a choice a person can make. It's my life. It's the way I live. It's who I am.

And then she screamed: "Get out of my house! Get out! You're a freak. Do whatever you want. Rent an apartment, live wherever you want but not in my house. Get out!"

I was terrified. I've never thought it will be like that. I did know that this day may come but I've never imagined this to happen the way it did. I've never thought my mother was capable to throw me out of her house like that. What was I supposed to do? I knew that it was an early spring outside. I had absolutely nobody to come to. Yes, I had enough money to rent an apartment for a month or two but I didn't even know how to do it! I didn't know what things I had to take with me.

I was devastated. I couldn't realized it was happening to me. I wasn't prepared! I didn't know what to do. I couldn't live on a street, could I? I was completely lost.

I don't know what made me take my cell phome in my hands but I'm glad I did. There a was a message from a friend of mine. Usually we communicate on Internet, so I was surprised to find the sms from her. I didn't have a chance to read it properly but I understood that she was worried about me: I wasn't online for a long time, I didn't answer her u-mail messages. She asked weither I was alright or not.

I was very relieved to recieve her message! At that moment I felt that I wasn't alone. I knew that I could tell her everything about the situation and she would help. She's from Moscow, actually, but I know she has friends in St. Petersburg. I hoped she would tell them about my terrible living condition and we would find a way to solve my problem.

Her name is Galya - in order not to forget.


And then, after recieving a message, I locked myself in the toilet in order to send Galya a massage in piece. But mother figured out my motives and started to push the door. I realized that it was an end. She doesn't care weither I'm alive or not. I'm a freak in her eyes and I don't deserve to live. I couldn't believe it. Why wouldn't she leave me alone? Okay, she doesn't love me, it's not a big deal. A lot of mothers don't love their children. But why does she have to ruin my life? To destroy myself as a person? I know I am not a freak. I deserve to live my life as everybody else does. Why do I have to suffer because of who I am? Why do I have to hide myself? Why do I have to be ashamed of myself?

She didn't make it. She didn't kill me. Sha was smashing the door for a long time but then she stopped and said with disgust in her voice: "Do you really like it? How can you enjoy these disgusting things?"

I knew, she was talking about having sex with a woman. I was spechless. Is it what's it all about? Does she hate me because I enjoy sex with women? Does she think it is all that matters? Do they all think gays are freaks just because they enjoy same-sex lovemaking?

Finally, my nightmare had ended. I wasn't hurt physically but I was completely destroyed emotionally. I was lying on my back, trying to catch my breath and understand what had happened. I was repeating to myself it was just a nightmare, but I was totally lost. Thank God, in real life my parents both were in the country. I don't know what I would do if I were to face them in the morning. I don't know about my father but my mother is scaring me. I know she's capable of violent. I was beaten by her many times. I don't want it to continue.


I really don't know what to do. It was a nightmare, yes, but I think it was a warning what may happen if I'm not careful. But I don't want to be careful! It is my life! It's who I am. I can't change myself, can I?

I don't want to hide. I can't conceal myself all my life. I'm nineteen already and soon they will expext me to be married to a guy. At least, they will expect me to date a boy. They know no boy I have dated. Because I haven't! I was in two relationships but with girls. They don't know about them, of course.

They ask questions already! I always say I will never be married and have kids but they think it is teenager's murmurs. Will see what they will say when I'm not a teenager anymore.

I need to think about it very seriously. The bad thing is I can't deny myself if I'm being asked. To lie is never a good thing, I believe. Even in this case.


I don't understand why a gay person has to have parents who may hate him because of who he is. Is it fair? It ruins his life from the start! There is no safe place for him. It's like stop living. He is to lose his parents because he's gay. He can't change this situation. He is to be hated and abandoned by his parents because of who he is.

I just can't believe it.

@темы: Сны, Домашние, Who am I?

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